le sigh

oh dear, things are not looking so bright today. The weather is beautiful, which reminds me of Colorado-- fairly warm with no humidity-- which reminds me that Jeff is headed there next week and I was supposed to go with him on my only vacation for the year but I have to stay here, in my boring bed with all this pain...
I have a checkup with my specialist doc on Monday. Its looking like I'm going to need surgery. I'm just not getting much better... I mean, I still cannot function without being on the full dosage of pain meds and muscle relaxers, and when I get up I still can only go a few minutes. Sigh.
I might not be able to enroll in classes for the fall either. I have a little less than three weeks until they start. I just have no idea how things are going to go, and I'm starting to get very anxious about, especially with all the money we're loosing from me being out of work.
Needless to say I'm a bit depressed today. I think I might go outside and lie on the concrete and pray. Get some vitamin d and try to trust that God has a plan.

day 10 of herniated disc

So, today won't be as much a picture post but more of a rambling "what I'm learning through all this" post (again). Yesterday I reported that I went to the pool for some much needed out-of-my-room time and vitamin D for my mental health. I was feeling so good yesterday. So good. After we got back I took a much needed shower, then Jeff and I enjoyed some Millies salads thanks to his Mommy paying for us to have an anniversary dinner. (2 years-- go us!) Then Jeff's little Bro Scott came into town around 9ish. He's staying here with us for the next 10 days...
So because I was doing so well I started to feel like I should be doing more. I did some laundry, watered the plants, etc. I would get up for 10 minutes, do some chores, get back down for 10 minutes, repeat. Today I'm not feeling as great I think because I might have been pushing it a bit too much last night. I'm just getting so sick of laying here and asking everyone to do everything for me. Its hard. I mean, I just so want to be able to go outside and be a human again. But the Lord (I said "The Lord" I sound so evangelistic) is teaching me to stop trying to do everything on my own. I keep getting his kick right in my rear, literally, every time I think I can do it alone without him.
So I ask, those of you who pray, be praying that what God is teaching me right now sticks. He's doing it for a reason, I know. I needed it. I was just so ragged and burned out and not trusting Him... I just pray that I can learn more about letting go a bit and giving him control.
K, enough of that stuff, I'm gonna look through some design websites and enjoy myself for a while.

7 days disabled and counting...

Well, folks, this isn't healing fast. at all. Here are my updates in case you're interested:
1) The pain:
Its miserable. When I stand up and move around I can only do so for about 5 minutes then I have to get back in bed because my sciatica flares up and I can't walk. My left foot even goes numb. I've been going to PT every day this past week. I shower only every other day and have to get my sister or my husband to dress me.

2) PT: I love my physical therapist. She's such a fun girl (my hubbies' age) and is great to joke around with.

3) My family and friends: They've been amazing. AMAZING! I have visitors stop by every few hours to get me food and give me good conversation. I've felt so blessed by how each person I truly care about loves me and takes care of me in their own way...

which leads me to the supernatural part of this all. God is really using this to heal me mentally, which sounds sort of strange. I am felling "alive" for the first time in a long time... all I've had time to focus on is classes and homework and what needs to be done next, I've truly ignored myself, my needs, and most importantly the dependence I MUST have on God to be who he's truly made me to be. Through this experience I am having to trust Him SO MUCH (I had to drop two classes this month and probably push back my graduation date) and give up control on ALL things. I'm learning what a control freak I actually am and am having to give that up on just the simplest things like how my medication is arranged on the bed next to me. I'm seeing myself through this mirror of honesty that I haven't been able to use because of all the busy-ness and stress in my life... I am truly blessed, however funny it may sound, to be in this condition so that I can remember what its like to be dependent upon my God.

So there you have it. I for sure have not been this insightful every day while in this condition. There has been a lot of crying and pain and some depression, but I am trying to let go. Let go and let the cards fall where they may.

Oh, and PS, check out my facebook pics if you want to see some hilarity with me not being a showered, clean michelle. Its pretty funny.