Monday, October 13, 2008
Give a little love
Here is my heart to share tonight-- but I have to preface it a bit for understanding. I have this group counseling class that I have been going to this semester where we actually have group counseling in our class. Its been really powerful for me because I've used it as an opportunity to get some counseling. I have bumbled around a lot in it-- been pretty vulnerable and have put myself out there in a way that might be "too much"... but here is what I thought after tonight's session:
I am not so much going to title each section—what I am learning about myself, others, and about groups—but try to touch on each one throughout this reflection. I need the limitlessness of that in this moment, I believe. I hope that is ok. Tonight’s class (Yes, I was so moved by this group that I am writing as soon as I get home…) was good for me. I’ve really appreciated this group in my life right now as an outlet for me to share all the junk that rolls around in my head each week. I might only share part of it, sections really as I feel like I might explode with everything that lies in there if I don’t limit myself a bit, but I am learning so much from those sections I do share and am learning even more from others’ reactions, my reactions’ to their reactions, and others’ sharing of themselves too.
I have this need to know and be known. It’s like this driving force inside of me that won’t let me stop at simple pleasantries with others. I want to get behind people’s eyes, I want to connect with them, and I want them to connect with me, too. I think that is why I was so angry tonight with (no name here) for saying he didn’t really need to get into his feelings with others. I find it so hard to understand. I know, I know—I am differently wired than a lot of people in this area—I guess what I am trying to say is that I know I need to understand this about other people better; my response in anger is only because I want to feel validated in my own need to have others understand me. I am afraid of what it might say about me if others can control themselves to protect and choose when to open when all I want is to burst out with who I really am and get to the heart of all things (maybe too quickly). To me, life is just too short. I don’t want to go through this life not ever affecting anyone or letting others affect me—or protecting myself so much that I don’t feel anything. I want to feel everything.
God is really moving in me. This doesn’t have a ton to do with group—but it is on my heart at the moment so I am sharing. He really is. I don’t have any idea how or why or what—I just know he is doing something inside of me. This weekend my husband and I talked a lot about how we are seeing him move in our hearts and how we have no idea how to follow him or what we’re doing, but we both know for sure that giving up control to him is more important than anything that we try to do to connect with him.
I guess that is sort of like where I am at in this process with group. I see that we’re at an impasse of really opening up to each other—to really confronting ourselves and who we are—and I can’t wait to see how it plays out. If I give up this need to control and push us to the next point it will all play out so beautifully and I’ll feel better about my part in it all instead of guilt over “talking too much” or whatever. (I think talking is my own way of protecting maybe--interesting thought.) Letting go—feeling it all, letting God take the reigns—is so important to what I need right now.
These lyrics in a song by Noah and the Whale I am listening to really touched me tonight. Makes me think of what God is saying to me:
Well if you are (what you love)
And you do (what you love)
I will always be the sun and moon to you
And if you share (with your heart)
Yeah, you give (with your heart)
What you share with the world is what it keeps of you